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Friday, November 21, 2008

SQL Server News & Information

tsql, performance tuning, industry trends, & bad jokes

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This site is maintained by Jason Massie. He has 10 years experience as a DBA and has specialized in performance tuning for the last five. He was recognized by Microsoft as a SQL Server MVP. Jason has spoken at the Professional Association of SQL Server Conference, the North Texas SQL Server Users Group, SQL Connections and TechED. He has worked at Terremark (formerly Data Return) for nearly a decade.

You can contact him at jason@statisticsio.com or 469.569.5965

Jason has the following certifications:
  • Microsoft Certified IT Professional Database Administrator (early adopter)
  • Microsoft Certified IT Professional Database Developer
  • MCDBA (7.0 and 2000)
  • MCSE
  • MCSD
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Entries for the 'Humor' Category

10 Reasons to Upgrade to SQL Server 2008

Posted by Jason Massie Click to IM Jason Massie on Monday, November 17, 2008 at 12:25 AM to Humor
327 Views | 9 Comments | Article Rating


  1. Filtered indexes and data compression saves one acre of rain forest per TB of data.


  2. SQL Server was not tested on animals. Only prisoners in exchange for early release.


  3. Natural selection occurs when DBA’s cannot comprehend spatial data.


  4. SSIS has has broken the speed of light busting the E=MC² myth


  5. AdventureWorks will IPO in 2009


  6. Control+Z for all changes will be implemented in SP1.


  7. Policy Based Management can be configured to slapaho when in violation.


  8. MERGE sounds less ghey than upsert.


  9. The government will bail out SQL Server 2008 if it fails especially if it is corrupt.


  10. Microsoft kills one kitten per socket everyday you continue to run SQL Server 2000.

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Capt. Varchar(MAX) and the Pagelatch Posse Vol. 14

Posted by Jason Massie Click to IM Jason Massie on Friday, November 07, 2008 at 11:21 AM to Humor, Captain Varchar(MAX)
194 Views | 2 Comments | Article Rating

This post was inspired by the SQL Quiz going around that that Chris started, while humorous, can help us learn from each others mistakes.

Over the years, I have gone from a mental project plan to notepad to excel to MS project. My success % has increased and fire fights have decreased for major changes. I recommend it.

A Mental(ly Disturbed) Note

mental

The comic template was adapted from OfficeOFFline.

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A SQL Quiz – Calling you out!

Posted by Jason Massie Click to IM Jason Massie on Thursday, November 06, 2008 at 2:00 PM to Humor
421 Views | 11 Comments | Article Rating

So Chris Shaw called me on a SQL Quiz. I like it. It is so much less painful to learn from someone else's mistakes than your own.  Here are the details.

<snip>

I started to think about this and I am going to try to start a game of tag. So here is the way it works, for many new DBA’s they may not realize that all of us have made mistakes and that our mistakes can be… rather stupid. I challenge each of the people I tag in my blog to post as least one mistake that they recently made I will start by describing 2 mistakes that I made. One of my mistakes was as a junior DBA and one about 6 months ago. The point of this game is to in no means embarrass ourselves or discredit ourselves. But more of a learning experience from our mistakes type of a deal.

</snip>

Before I start, let take this opportunity to look at what could result from a DBA’s mistake.

  • Loss of data
  • Downtime
  • Exposing sensitive data
  • Performance Degradation

No pressure, right?

1.

The first big mistake I made was pretty bad. I almost gave up SQL Server. It was right after SQL Server 7.0 came out. A new customer was trying to move there data to their hosted application. It was a few tables. <Lightbulb> Hey, that sounds like a good use for that new DTS thingymabobber <Lightbulb /> So I go through the DTS wizard and it fails after creating the schema. I run the wizard again and it works EXCEPT I got the source and destination backwards. Now, they have empty schemas on both sides. Since the source was their development environment, they didn’t have backups. Of course.

What I learned: Always check for backups. No matter what you do, have a backup you can trust. That goes beyond disk backups sometimes. Copy them to somewhere on the network if you are working on the storage. Do a SELECT INTO before you do that adhoc DELETE.  Srsly, don’t be that guy.

2.

We were having ongoing disk IO issues. Later on that night, I am adding a disk array. However, while poking around I discover that the stripe size of the existing data drive is 8k. It looks like I can easily “migrate” it to 64k. I quote migrate because that is what it says in the HP management software. That doesn’t sound destructive does it? Psst, it is. A few hours later, the database had been restored but we were sector aligned and had a had a 64k stripe size. That doesn’t sound so bad except the application cannot afford a couple hours of down time even for a free 10% of disk performance.

What I learned: Don’t be a cowboy. Up until then, it was on the job training. I learned it as soon as it broke and I had to fix it. It is a good way to learn but a bad way to DBA. All changes should be planned, tested, executed or rolled back. A cowboy DBA may shine 99% of the time but that one time can blow the SLA for the year.

Runner ups:

  • Not backing up the “mission critical” database tmpTest.
  • Checking that “Boost Priority” box.
  • Not adding a local account before messing with the machine account. Locking myself out of windows on a critical SQL Server.
  • Adding columns through the GUI. Don’t. Just don’t.
  • Adding a duplicate clustered index because I could not figure how to change the primary key from nonclustered in the GUI.

Who am I calling out? You. If you are reading this, I am throwing down the gauntlet. I shall name names too by picking on the recent commentators.

K. Brian Kelly

Marlon Ribunal

Mladen

Ted Malone

Rhys

Tom

Jimmy May, Aspiring Geek

Michael O'Neill

Ludovico Caldara

Adam Machanic

Aaron Lowe

I was also asked to plug, http://sqlfool.com , by someone other than Michelle so I will call her out too.

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Capt. Varchar(MAX) and the Pagelatch Posse Vol. 13

Posted by Jason Massie Click to IM Jason Massie on Friday, October 31, 2008 at 1:08 PM to Humor, Captain Varchar(MAX)
296 Views | 8 Comments | Article Rating

Once again, I was struggling for a Varchar(MAX) topic and twitter came through. This comic is based on these two tweets.

Update: Anarchy has erupted on twitter. Brent blogged it here.

 

clip_image001

BrentO If yo momma was a table, she'd be a heap. #SQLputdowns
Fri, Oct 31 12:31:24 from mobile web

clip_image002[6]

jeffrush @BrentO If she was a datatype, she'd be a BLOB
Fri, Oct 31 12:37:41 from OutTwit

 

Yo Mamma is a SQL Server

yomamma

This template is based on Office OFFline.

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This Update Came from SQL Server

Posted by Jason Massie Click to IM Jason Massie on Wednesday, October 29, 2008 at 9:38 PM to SQL Server 2008, SQL Server 2005, tsql, social networking, security, Humor
269 Views | 2 Comments | Article Rating

Disclaimer:

Just because you can does not mean you should and even if you should, use with care. For example, you will have no friends after a day or so of updating your facebook status every time a tlog backup runs on your farm. There are also many security concerns to consider. That said, I can think of a few uses for SQL Server Web 2.0 mashups and I am not all that creative.

How it works

Sign up at http://ping.fm and then sign up at whatever services you want to update from SQL. Here is a list of what they currently support. From SQL, we could send a message to twitter or even better, yammer via database mail. Here is the obligatory, “Don’t send anything confidential over email”

Ping.fm is a simple service that makes updating your social networks a snap!

Possible Uses

Augmenting your monitoring – The keyword is word is “augmenting” except for the smallest installations. For the crown jewel of the company, you might get a call from the 24/7 staff and an email. Why not a tweet too especially if it can add SMS functionality that you may not currently have?

Turn X into an RSS feed – Where X could be, all job executions, any SEV error messages, any trace event or DDL operations, or [your idea here]. You can funnel the RSS into the intranet, your reader or [insert creative idea here].

An insert trigger on your press release table – Blast it to the world. Some companies are already doing similar things http://dell.com/twitter.

Personal updates from the SQL Editor – I don’t know about you but I have spent weeks on end in tsql. Some deadlines don’t allow for time to come up for air. It would pretty cool in a geeky way to tell the world that I just replaced 500 lines of cursor code with a 10 liner or whatever without leaving SSMS.

 

Example Code: